>>160

>I agree with the idea that the Japanese government should do more >to protect the environment.
OK
>I have two reasons to support my opinion.
OK
>First,today,pollution is a big problem in japan.
>As you know, many rivers and seas have been polluted by harmful >things discharged from factories.
OK
>The problem cause not only damaging sceneries but also endangering >the ecosystem.
×cause　→　causes　　　　−１点
×cause damaging sceneries →　不適格　　−１点
×cause endangering the ecosystem →　不適格　―1点　
　　こういう言い方はしない
>Therefore,the government should make a law to determine how much >harmful things the factories can discharge.
OK? can?
>Second,natural resources are deficient,which is a big problem in the world.×natural resources are deficient　→　主語　are deficient in natural resources ―1点
>In Japan, there are a lot of wasteful things such as plastic bags.
OK
>If Japanese people use ecobags instead of plastic bags,they can reduce >much the use of natural resources.
×reduce much the use of natural resources
much the use of 冠詞も表現もダメ　−１点
>For these reasons,I think that the Japanese government should do >more to protect the environment.
OK

ということで、11点/16点。採点ミスは自己申告して、今後のために合格を取り消したほうが良いのでは？